It’s Christmas Eve 1982. While many are baking pavlova and preparing prawns for tomorrow’s beachside barbecue lunch, 26-year-old Louise Cartledge waits in the sterile confines of her gynaecologist’s office. “You’re riddled with endometriosis” is the last thing Cartledge is expecting to hear. The disease had blocked Cartledge’s fallopian tubes, leaving her with little to no chance of ever becoming pregnant.

As the eldest among her five siblings, and having recently married in April, she pictured herself as a mother one day. Devastated by her diagnosis, Cartledge turned to family and friends for support and was often told that maybe, for her, having kids just simply ‘wasn’t meant to be’.

“Hearing those words felt like a knife through my heart,” says Cartledge, beating a clenched fist against her chest. “It exacerbated the pain because I was going through the torment, and I blamed myself because I’m the one with something wrong.”

From trivial events to more significant moments, everyone has uttered a phrase like it in the face of life’s twists and turns. The relationship that wasn’t meant to be, or the job opportunity that perhaps didn’t work out for a reason. For some, it’s just a saying. For others, it’s a belief.

What is fate?

Professor of theology at Trinity College Reverend Mark Lindsay says fate stems from theories of predetermined destiny that go back to Western traditions in Greek mythology. The Fates are one example. They were a trio of goddesses who wove together the threads of human destinies. Their influence controlled what happened in a person’s life and determined when that life would come to an end.

The concept of determinism was later challenged by early apologist and Christian philosopher Justin Martyr. He argued that if people are ultimately destined to do what is written beforehand and humans are just acting out a script, then human accountability becomes null and void.

Lindsay says this throws a spanner in the Christian worldview’s emphasis on consequence and accountability. “If there’s no such thing as evil then there was no need for Jesus on the cross. Because in the Christian imaginary, death on the cross is the solution to sin.”But Lindsay knows it’s not straightforward. Different Christian denominations and other religions, like Hinduism and Islam, have different versions of determinism and fatalism.

He says even within a shared religious framework, people have their own unique experiences and perspectives that shape their beliefs and reactions to life’s events. Throughout history, other theories have existed beyond religious realms.

Before quantum mechanics, most scientists thought life was completely deterministic. Senior philosophy lecturer at the University of Tasmania Dr Graham Wood says this ideology was akin to clockwork. “The world is just a big clock, and we are part of that clock just moving like cogs in a wheel. In this model, it’s as if whatever we do doesn’t matter because the future and our actions are fixed.”

Some people still believe in deterministic ideologies, where life’s path is shaped entirely by earlier events and decisions. But fatalism has emerged as a more common, and more malleable belief to reconcile the compatibility of predestination and free will. In its simplicity, fatalism is the theory that people have agency over their own lives, but some outcomes are unavoidable.

In 2022, three psychological science academics at Case Western Reserve University conducted a study to try and figure out why people believe in things like God, fate, luck, ghosts and spirits.

By looking at data collected from two groups of American university students they found an increased desire among young people to believe in external forces like fate. It’s a complicated area to measure, so there’s no clear-cut answer as to why there’s a growing inclination right now. There are some key reasons that could point to why fatalistic sayings have stuck around.Dr Anastasia Ejova is a psychology lecturer at the University of Adelaide.

She says people usually resort to fatalistic beliefs and sayings in times of tragedy, rather than triumph. This is an adaptive approach, where someone gives themselves credit for positive outcomes and attribute failures to external factors. On the other hand, some people are less adaptive and tend to blame themselves no matter the circumstance.

Ejova says there is debate about whether these different reactions are genetic or learned.

“There are individual differences across people’s personality traits, but people also lean on these concepts because they are taught about them early in life. So, the degree to which these sorts of things are mentioned around the family dinner table does matter.”

Just something to say?

Through her career as a celebrant, Cartledge has learnt she is not alone in her experience. She often hears fatalistic expressions being thrown around at funerals. Clients tell her it’s distressing to hear the loss of their loved one was ‘meant to be’ or that it’s ok because ‘they are now in a better place’.

Cartledge thinks people lean on cliché phrases in turbulent times out of habit and discomfort. “They feel uncomfortable and it’s like they don’t know what to say because they have never been taught what to say in these situations. They feel like sorry is not enough and they have to offer a resolution.”

Wood thinks another reason is a desire for answers. “People have the ability to ask a question without always having the ability to answer it. But people don’t like having unanswered questions. It takes a psychological toll, and you might just want to start filling in those blanks.”

Whether it is an ingrained belief or a go-to saying, there can be implications.

Cartledge thinks some things in life are inexplicable and it can feel like “someone, somewhere is pulling the strings” but when it comes to grief “falling back on old cliches really just doesn’t cut the mustard”.

“I think it comes from a good place, but instead say something like, I’m sorry that happened, is there anything I can do to help? That show of support goes a long way,” says Cartledge.

While this advice could be useful when looking to support others who are going through a tough time, fatalistic phrases can be helpful when it comes to self-talk.

Ejova says they can be a positive coping mechanism that eases the psychological burden of difficult decisions and unavoidable outcomes. “Thinking about what you could have done to prevent it is sometimes less helpful than understanding there are some things that are outside of people’s control. It’s a source of comfort that sort of stops that regretful counter-active thinking process.”

For many years Cartledge was very unwell with endometriosis symptoms. After four surgeries, countless tests and hormone treatments she gave up on trying to conceive and moved on with her life.

It’s Christmas Eve, eight years later, Cartledge eagerly dials her gynaecologist’s phone number. “I’m pregnant” she joyously sings down the line.

Cartledge’s gynaecologist was astonished. There must have been an opening in Louise’s fallopian tube that was as small as “a tip of a pin”.

When asked if her story now aligns with the fatalistic phrases she was once told, Cartledge grimaces and then laughs.

“No, I don’t see it as such. I was meant to become pregnant, but I would hope this kind of pain and suffering isn’t meant to be.”